It’s been really chilly lately hasn’t it? I was just getting used to the spring temperatures but last night was freezing!

News

• Frank Ferry seizes power at City Hall: Frank Ferry, the outspoken and boisterous two-term city council member, staged a coup on Monday at City Hall and declared martial law throughout the Santa Clarita Valley. Ferry has changed his title from Mayor Pro Tem to First Lord & Viceroy of Santa Clarita and said in a statement that he had taken power over City Hall in order to “end the pointless debates and dithering” of the city council. His Excellency seized power with the help of a squad of Alemany High School football players and coaches from Hart and Alemany High School. Shortly after taking power Monday, Ferry announced that a new 10 story medical office building named the TimBen Boydston Medical Office Building (or TBBMOB @ HMNMH) would be the centerpiece of a new, larger Hospital Expansion plan, the construction of which would begin “post haste.” Four of the five City Council Candidates have been arrested and are in jail currently, while the fifth, Laurie Ender, said “I for one welcome our new City Hall overlord.”
• Hart Board resigns, asks Van Hook to take over: Acknowledging that a high school in Castaic will never be built so long as they remain in power, all five members of the Hart District Board resigned Monday and asked in a statement that College of the Canyons Superintendent Dr. Diane Van Hook take over the troubled high school district. “Look, the jig is up. Everyone knows we’ll never build a high school in Castaic, so we figured we’d turn over control to someone who actually knows what their doing,” Board Member Dennis King said. Van Hook has been in charge of COC for decades and singlehandedly built a Performing Arts Center, a new college campus, and a new science building in one evening, the same amount of time it takes the Hart District to make and break promises about a Castaic High School.
• McKeon drafts bill to make SCV dry, Gala Circuit-goers in despair: It may get a lot tougher to find a good drink in Santa Clarita soon if Congressman Buck McKeon has anything to say about it. Yesterday the eight term conservative Mormon Congressman announced that he had drafted legislation that would outlaw alcohol sales throughout the SCV. He called the prohibition of alcohol in the SCV a “Moral imperative.” McKeon continued:”Whether you call it hooch, giggle juice, two buck chuck, moonshine, or firewater, one has to acknowledge the terrible effects of alcohol on our community.” The local gala circuit scene was said to be devastated with the news with one observer noting that “without alcohol, I couldn’t stand any of those people.”
• Flemings give up dogs, adopt alpacas: It’s so long and nice to know you to Scooter and Spark Plug, the “First Dogs” Of the Santa Clarita Valley formally owned by local auto tycoons Don & Cheri Fleming. The Flemings announced yesterday that they were retiring the workhorse and advertising friendly pooches to a farm in Texas in favor of a small herd of alpacas, a South American animal related to the camel. “They can be housetrained, and children who visit Valencia Friendship can ride them for free, so long as their parents take a test drive,” Cheri Fleming said in a statement. Fleming said the small herd of alpacas would also reduce landscaping costs at the Creekside Dealership and that she had hired a celebrity alpaca trainer to ensure the furry animals don’t spit at customers.
• KHTS Changes format to AM Hip-Hop: The long wait for a Santa Clarita Valley hip hop radio station appears to be over. Carl “The Spinmaster” Goldman announced yesterday that KHTS AM 1220 would immediately change its format from adult contemporary to what he called a “street-wise urban hip hop format.” Appearing before reporters with a large clock around his neck and several gold teeth, Goldman said, “Yo yo yo, check it, AM 1220 gonna do it to your eardrums with fresh mono urban beats straight from streets of tha six six one.”
• Immigrant Protest, nothing gets done: A week long protest of Newhall and Canyon Country immigrants has resulted in a whole lot of unfinished work in the SCV, SCVTalk has learned. In Stevenson Ranch, once beautiful green lawns have grown into semi-tropical jungles as homeowners there struggle to learn how to use a Toro lawnmower. Other sectors of the SCV economy including brick-laying, child-rearing, fast food, and some trades have also been crippled during the week-long strike, in which immigrants are asking for SCV residents to treat them with “basic human dignity and respect.”
• Injuns arrested for plotting Cowboy Festival massacre: Sheriff Anthony LaBerge announced yesterday that his posse had busted a “ring of Indians who were planning to disrupt the City of Santa Clarita Cowboy Poetry and Music Festival.” The suspected chief of the renegade Indian group, Dakota Big Sky, reportedly said in a smoke signal that he and a group of 50 Indians would raid the fake Western town in Placerita Canyon at high noon during the festival and “skin some cowboys and steal women of child-bearing age.” Mayor Bob Kellar praised LaBerge for “keeping this frontier town safe from Indians.”
• Plambeck and Lauffer announce friendship: In a joint statement released Tuesday, diehard environmentalist Lynne Plambeck and Marlee “Build at any cost” Lauffer announced that despite the public’s perception, the pair of powerful SCV women have been the best of friends for nearly a decade. “We have sleep-over parties together, we go shopping for earth-friendly hemp clothing together, and we talk openly about our careers, men, and life in the SCV,” the pair said. The pair also released a picture of themselves holding hands and frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers.
• Smyth Number 1 in Frat Boy Pranks in State Assembly: In a survey released this week, the Sacramento Bee names SCV Assemblyman Cameron Smyth the number one “Legistlator in the state capitol when it comes to immature frat boy pranks.” The paper notes that Smyth has made a name for himself for giving wedgies and wet-willies to Democratic Assemblymembers and for introducing a bill calling for a state “Bikini Day” for women with certain measurements. Smyth could not be reached for comment on the report; a spokesperson says he’s enjoying spring break in Cancun with other state GOP members.
• Cal Arts becomes Christian school, Masters goes Secular: Two four year colleges in the SCV are apparently reversing their roles. Cal Arts, the one-time liberal arts college has announced that it will build an Evangelical Christian curriculum that will “train the next generation of Christian artists.” And over in Placerita Canyon, Master’s College administrators have formally renounced their faith and decided to join the secular progressive movement in higher education.

Blogs & Opinion

• Signal Names I Heart as new Editor in Chief: Citing flagging subscription numbers, the Creekside newspaper announced today that it was hiring popular local blogger I Heart SCV as its new Editor-in-Chief. The paper’s publisher said in a statement that “I Heart brings a fresh and sarcastic perspective on SCV news to the table, and his input will take The Signal to the next level.” I Heart announced that he would include Mad Lib style headlines and news reports on the front page so that it can “engage readers on a daily basis” by allowing readers to “fill in the blanks” on important news stories.
• Dave Bossert announces new West Ranch Town Council election details: The West Ranch Town Council president said in a blog post Tuesday that the next election for West Side voters would be held on Christmas day between the hours of 8:30 am and 9:30 am.