The Greatest Strip Mall in all of Suburbia

Drop me off blind-folded into any average strip mall in the Santa Clarita Valley and I can tell you what’s there: a dry cleaners, a nail salon, perhaps a grocery store, a Starbucks (if you’re lucky) a restaurant or two, maybe a florist and small jewelry shop. Those are the more upscale strip malls, and they typically are named (think Granary Square, or something employing the words “Crossroads” or “Canyon”). For the downmarket, you’re likely to find a massage parlor, a pawn shop, tattoo, tanning or piercing business, or a business with Spanish words in its name. No matter where you are in the SCV, this pattern repeats.

No longer! Behold, I have found the greatest strip mall of them all. A strip mall so culturally and commercially (and spiritually!) diverse that it actually discourages car trips. A strip mall that satisfies your cravings for vice, virtue, utility, sustenance and fun in a way that’s profound and innovative. A strip mall, that while run-down and old and too close to Jake’s Way for comfort, I wish I lived next to.

And after you read about it, I think you’ll want to live near it too.

I’m talking about the unnamed and virtually hidden strip mall on the south side of Soledad just west of Sierra Highway directly across the wash from Jake’s Way and near the “Den of Sin” on the Soledad bike path:

This strip mall has just about everything for the 21st century man (or woman). Millions have been poured into Old Town Newhall and Valencia, but nothing can match this one tiny strip mall deep in the heart of Canyon Country.

On the vice side of things, there is, of course, a liquor store. But that’s not all. There’s also a bar and -get this!- a bar tending school. Like you can actually go to school to learn to be a bartender, and then practice your new trade next door at “The Bar.”

IN. THE. SAME. PLACE.

But that’s not all. For those wanting a more personal touch, this strip mall has a massage parlor near the back. After a long day at bar-tending school, perhaps you want a completely platonic and therapeutic massage performed by certified professionals. If that sounds like you, this strip mall has you covered!

Hungry? Mom Can Cook Thai restaurant is perhaps the best Thai restaurant in the SCV. The foodies can’t stop talking about it. Literally. They won’t shut up. But maybe you want something more American- if so, there’s a Taqueria in this strip mall that says it makes great Mexican AND American food.

You can’t lose!

Of course, these are hard times and not everyone can afford to live as they did in the phat aughts (phaughts?). So if you need some money (perhaps for a massage or bar tending school tuition or dinner at Mom Can Cook), this strip mall offers , yes, a pawn shop! A place you can exchange Grand mama’s priceless heirlooms for a few bucks to spend across the parking lot.

Sadly, we all know that all this vice comes with a price. Namely: deep, abiding, all-consuming guilt. Don’t worry though; this strip mall has you covered. Because wedged between the pawn shop and the liquor store is…you guessed it… an Evangelical Lutheran Church! The Church of Hope (which, by day, is a thrift shop, another rare site in the SCV) is a small congregation but what they lack in facilities they make up for in spirit.

In other words, it’s entirely possible for you to spend your Saturday and Sunday in the confines of this one excellent strip mall. Saturday you hit the massage parlor, then take a course at bartending school followed up by some occupational training at the Bar. By Sunday morning, when you’re feeling like it’s the end of the world, you can go get cleaned up at the barber shop (next to the massage place) and then head to church where all is forgiven. After church, grab a curry dish at Mom can cook, and on the way out of the strip mall, drop your alimony check off at the Post Office, which is also located in the strip mall.

Truly, this strip mall is better than Vegas. The only thing missing is a coffee shop.