In a move that should surprise no one in this quirky and strange Santa Clarita City Council election season candidate TimBen Boydston filed suit today in Federal Court asking for an injunction to prevent the release of Jim Field Smith’s film “She’s Out of My Leaque” this Friday, March 12.  The lawsuit also seeks unspecified moneatry damages against the director, production company and the film’s co-writers Sean Anders and John Morris for “life infringement.”

The film’s primary story arc relates to the unlikely romance between an “average” looking nerdy TSA security officer and a fantasically beautiful woman.

When reached for comments a spokesman for the TimBen Boydston campaign stated “One would have to be blind after seeing the photos of TimBen and his lovely bride Ingrid Boydston in his campaign materials and Facebook campaign page to not quickly come to the conclusion that these filmmakers had to be following him around!”

The question now becomes whether other SCV men in LWHM (“Lovely Women Homely Men) relationships will join the lawsuit, including Tim Myers, Don Fleming, Bruce Fortine and Bob Kellar.  Timothy Myers, Jr., an economcs major at the University of California-San Diego, is intrigued by the LWHM phenomenom due to his personal connection.

“All of the data relating to this phenomena is anecdotal and asserts causative factors like charm, wit, sympathy and a sense of humor,”  said Myers, Jr.  “My own mother just mumbles something about a sorority bet gone horribly wrong.  There has to be data to explain the somewhat inexplicable.”

Candidate David Gauny was unavailable for comment but his (most excellent) hair in a prepared statement released to reporters stated that the campaign would prepare a white paper on the issue of LWHM relationships as soon as it completed position papers on Artic mineral rights and the efficacy of proposed Greek budget austerity measures to resolve that country’s debt crisis.

I’ve written before about Lyons Avenue, the famous SCV Maginot Line that separates Newhall from Valencia. Even the post office recognizes the demarkation: SoLy (the trendy name I gave to my neighborhood) is 91321 while Valencia is the numerically superior 91355.

The division has been a cause of deep strife and angst in me for a long time. Valencia has paseos, wide streets, nice houses, and conformist homeowners (well except for that one guy in Old Orchard). Newhall, in contrast, may have sprawling ranch-style homes and horses, but in general we have a sidewalk deficit, no paseos, poor lighting (in some areas) older homes, tough gang infested streets and Mexicans.

Needless to say, the differences have resulted in great insecurity and an inferiority complex, especially when  I venture North of Lyons.

And so what does Newhall Land, builder of Valencia,  do? Do they assuage my resentment and hurt feelings by emphasizing the togetherness of Santa Clarita? Do they acknowledge that my town bears the name of their founder?

No. They unveil their new “Awesometown” campaign which results in the deepest and darkest night of my soul to date.

Just look how clean and bright Valencia is:

In Awesometown, even the dogs are cuter, the lemonade is cheaper, the lawns are greener and the clouds are puffier.

So where’s that leave me and SoLy?

Well, after much reflection, consultation with my spiritual advisor and tormented late-night sessions with my tear-stained diary, I’ve come to a conclusion.

We the people of SoLy have no reason to be jealous of those in NoLy. We have an authentic, grid-patterned downtown area. We have the only museum in all of the SCV at Hart Park and Heritage Junction. We have what passes for architecture in these parts: the yellow Victorian themed buildings, for instance, and Hart’s mansion for another. We have two theater companies, a train station, and soon, a new library. We have Veteran’s Historical Park. We have some great dining options from Egg Plantation to hole-in-the-wall but authentic taquerias.

We even have buffalo.

And that’s when it struck me. Valencia is the one that’s truly insecure. They are the ones who have to tout how Awesome they are with a slick and flashy website. They are the ones who are staring across Lyons, jealous of our greatness, our success, and our endurance.

Awesometown is essentially our envious and ankle-biting younger sibling, looking up to us in Newhall, wanting not just to be like us, but to be us. They are only awesome insofar as the brilliance of Newhall reflects upon them across the chasm of Lyons Avenue.

We are, in the words of our matriarch Laurene Weste, the bedrock of SCV culture. We are so cool we don’t even need a nickname, so I’m not even going to try.

We are Newhall, and we will not go quietly into the night!

At one time I accused The Signal of being too slow, too passive and too stuck in their ways to be a real, breaking news source.

Now they’re too fast according to some Facebookers:

***OLYMPIC SPOILER ALERT

CLOSE THIS PAGE NOW.

MATTER OF FACT, CLOSE THE INTERNET ALTOGETHER THIS IS BIG NEWS MMMKAY

…..

DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU

….

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO SCROLL DOWN?

OKAY YOU ASKED FOR IT***

I also clicked the “Like” button.

Sometimes it’s fun to spoil things for people. I’m reminded of this video, posted shortly after a new Harry Potter Book came out:

In the Signal recently David Gauny, candidate for City council, revealed that his speech on February 27h at a rally organized by Save Our State (“SOS”), the sponsors of the now controversial rally involving Bob Kellar earlier this year,  would be a “surprise.”  Well, early this morning I found under my welcome mat the following typewritten document that purports to be a draft of this “surprise” speech.  (I don’t know who left it but I thought I glimpsed an extremely buff young man darting into the paseo.  Was that you Johnny Pride?)  Here is what was written on the papers.

Greetings on this fine day to all of my fellow citizens of the SCV.  Well, at least to Berta Gonzalez Harper who seems to be edging towards Magic Mountain Parkway and getting ready to make a break for it, and George Runner who is making a list of the staffers he is going to fire because they told him this was an anti-tax rally.  But a hearty shout out to all our friends from Fillmore, the AV, Hesperia and other spots used as locations in that most excellent and under rated film “The Book of Eli.”  (That Mila Kunis is HOTTTT!!!!!!)

When I began this campaign for City Council I based my strategy on a three legged stool.  Hospital-Bad.  Frank Ferry-Bad.  My Hair-EXCELLENT.  But now I realize that I can build a piece of furniture with many legs, something that occurs when you lose the instructions for that thing you bought from IKEA that looked good in the store.

In addition to ignoring the terrible problem that we speak about today, Tim Myers lent me his most recent copy of the Economist and I am shocked and outraged at the other profound problems our current City Council ignores and that I will seek to address once I ascend to that rarefied place on Valencia Boulevard, to wit:

1. The Greek sovereign debt crisis;
2. The actions of the Sinhalese majority against the Tamil minority in Sri Lanka;
3. The disputed presidential election in Ukraine; and
4. The succession of Vice President “Goodluck Jonathan” to the presidency of Nigeria.  (I’m not sure that even I believe that is an issue we should address but I really wanted to say that name.)
   
   

And Mr. Myers assures me that once I take my exalted place he will continue to lend me his Economist to be used as a roadmap for future City Council business.

But right now  as the dinner hour approaches I would like to offer our friends from the desert a small repast before they return home.  I have brought five loaves and two fishes.  That should be plenty.