A reader sent me the picture above, but I hesitated to post it because I had to see myself to believe. And yesterday, I did. The ultimate in down market retailers, 99 cent store, is moving to the 91355, to the old Do It Center space on Valencia Blvd just west of Bouquet Junction.

Maybe it’s a sign of the times, of the new, humble reality we SCVers find ourselves in versus the go-go years of the first decade of the 21st Century.Five or six years ago, we couldn’t build fast enough in this town. New retail, housing, commercial development was everywhere. If you left town for a month or so, you might come back and see 2 x 4s jutting up in the sky in a place that used to be open and untouched. Our population was growing by thousands every year, and budgets were fat and getting fatter. Your Thomas Guide from two years ago (yes, I used Thomas Guides as recently as 2006)? Throw it out, it probably doesn’t even have the new roads built in North Valencia or West Ridge.

And now? Well after several solid years of increasing commercial and retail vacancies, of perhaps declining population, of hundreds or thousands of homes in foreclosure or hastily placed into short sale, we have a 99 Cent Store in Valencia.

And it’s across the street from a Mercedes Benz and BMW dealer! Look to the left and you’ll see $60,000 SUVs; look to the right and you’ll see year-old canned tuna from the Philippines selling for $0.99.  You’ve got to feel sorry for the Realtors who will drive prospective SCVers through this part of town, pointing out its features. What will they do?

“And if you look to your left, you’ll see a Mercedes Benz Dealership, a ball field, and a bike path. Oh and the might Santa Clara river too. That’s it. Keep looking. Keep looking. ”

I’m getting dizzy just thinking about it.

In a post last year I dubbed a humble strip mall in Canyon Country the greatest strip mall in all of Suburbia. But the greater 99 Cent Store/Mercedes Benz/Bouquet Junction geographic area has to be among the greatest planning areas in all of Suburbia too. Think about it- where else can you buy a Merc SUV, fill its immense cargo area with victuals and cheap party favors for $3.99, dine and sample food from around the world with Petz and his kind at Hometown Buffet and then fill up your vehicle at any one of the three gas stations on the four corners of Bouquet & Soledad?

To me, paseos are to Valencia as funny hats are to the Pope. You almost can’t visualize a Valencia without its paseo system, can you? If you grew up here, the paseos were like a highway for you and your friends, a safe way to travel to parks, shops, and your friend’s house. Have you ever biked or walked down a tree-lined paseo deep in Valencia late at night? It’s almost otherwordly. You sometimes even come across wandering minstrels strumming on an instrument, like a scene out of the Middle Ages.

Happy people walking on paseos was the imagery on the NLF brochure that sold my parents on this burg for crying out loud. And then they moved us to paseo-less & hilly Sunset Pointe, but that’s another story (I’m not too bitter about that).

What now? Am I to associate “paseo” with my posterior? Did the world really need another brand of toilet paper?

My favorite lines: “Isn’t there like a missile silo if you keep driving down Sand Canyon?” and “Where’s the TLC lab?” The Jack & Coke demonstration is accurate with what we’ve observed in SCV bro culture.

22,000+ views in five days. That’s got to be an all-time SCV Viral video record. Looks like the YouTuber had some help though; commenters says Naya Rivera, the SCV-raised Latina actress who plays spicy Santana Lopez on Glee , posted a link to the video. Good to know she remembers her roots!

On chloride in the Santa Clara: Hatami dons the scientist hat and declares, of the controversial $500 million desalinization plant, that “I’m going to be the first one to tell you; We’re pretty close to the ocean, so there is going to be salt in the water.”

On Old Town Newhall: Hatami goes on an epic tear against Old Town Newhall redevelopment asking where the money has gone, apparently oblivious to all that’s been built in the area. “That is not small government. That is not small government. That is big government gone awry and I’m against that.”

On public school bond measures: ”Every two years there’s a new bond measure. Every two years! You know what that is? That’s Obama.”

But this clip takes the cake:

I don’t know if you caught it, but Hatami committed the cardinal sin of living in the SCV (in my book anyway): referring to our beloved Santa Clarita Valley as “out here.” Not once. Not twice. But several times.

Maybe I could understand it if he was a newcomer with less than 5 years in the valley, but a core plank of Hatami’s campaign is that he Hearts SCV as much as I Heart does.

You’ve seen me bitch about this before…the newscasters who talk about Santa Clarita and gesticulate wildly while saying, “Waaaaaaayyyy out there in Santa Clarita” as if we live in the sticks, as if we’re a bunch of country bumpkins picking our nose, wearing overalls while whistling dixie.

No one who truly loves and lives in the SCV would refer to the SCV as “out here,” a pernicious phrase that calls to mind an “outhouse.” No, true SCVers refer to the SCV as simply “here.” Or AmazingPlace. Or AwesomeTown. Or DisasterVille. Or Hollywood North.

Not “Out here.” “Out here” and “Way out there” are to be reserved exclusively for when you are in or are referring to Acton and the Antelope Valley, not Santa Clarita (which includes Agua Dulce and Vasquez Rocks, mind you).

Remember, we in the SCV are in a great battle. Our soul, our future, our very place in this great state will be determined by this battle: are we Cosmopolitan Los Angeles or are we High Desert hicks? We are equally spaced between these two influential poles and could swing either way; some years we appear to be more LA Cosmo, other years we enter the orbit of that windy, dusty, featureless plane known as the Antelope valley.

Words matter and by referring to the SCV as “out here,” Hatami has put himself squarely at odds with the people who root for a more cosmopolitan SCV. And that, in the end, is why I cannot support him.

PS: in case it wasn’t clear to Team Hatami, the above is said in jest and in a light-hearted mood. Laugh a little. 

The Comprehensive Newhall Pass Disaster Planning Tool 1.0 (CNPDPT) was developed for city planners, traffic engineers, emergency operations centers, law enforcement officers, CalTrans workers, and everyday Newhall Pass road warriors to help bring some order to the chaos.

The scenarios described in the instrument are based on real-life or potential disaster events that have/could result in the partial or full shutdown of the Newhall Pass.

It is presented free of charge or license fee below as a public service of SCVTalk:

Here’s how it works:

1. Print the instrument out, preferably on a heavy, sturdy paper
2.  Cut the wheel out, discard remaining paper
3. Cut the triangular black Disaster Randomizer Selector tool out from the wheel
4. Take care when inserting a sewing needle or other sharp instrument in the center of the wheel
5. Insert bottom end of sewing needle into cardboard base (a used box works well in our testing)
6. Prior to Monday morning commute, simply give the wheel a spin to assist you or your agency in planning for the terrible disaster about to befall the Newhall Pass
7. If you are a commuter, plan accordingly. Always have water and food on hand in your vehicle, some way to relieve yourself, music, and potentially a weapon (in case of zombie hordes)

Thank you in advance for any feedback you have on the design of the instrument or the scenarios presented. Remember, SCVTalk cares and we will continue to develop the tool as new, unforeseen disasters present themselves.

11. If I win this year, I’m running for mayor next time.

12. Bring back plastic bags and ban the paper bag tax.

13. SCV gets to draw its own legislative districts.

14. All crossing guards should be armed. When the marijuana gangsters pull out their AKs to do a drive by on a local school, it’s too late.

15. Paseos in Valencia will be linked by “paseo bridges” that will soar across our boulevards.

16. We will raise API scores by 20 points per school by increasing the cop-to-student ratio in all K-6 schools in the SCV.

17. An immediate 10°F reduction to daily high temperatures between May and September.

18. Establish a Cheesecake Factory on Town Center Drive.

19. Opposition to the new Mann Theaters and the “Cinema Drive” project.

20. Three words: snow on Christmas.

But, here’s something that you don’t know. I’ve had the opportunity to take a deep dive in the Signal archives, buried deep within a vault ‘neath William S. Hart’s ranch in the sky. My research reveals that, while John Boston might exaggerate some Signal history, Creekside and its writers have been on the wrong side of history many times, with several incidents in very bad taste or spectacularly ill-timed. Here’s a sample:

• In a 1986 front page editorial, the Signal endorsed New Coke, saying it tastes better and is more refreshing than Coke classic “or that barnyard animal slop they call Pepsi”
• Shoulder pads for women: The Signal was at the forefront of the 1980s fashion movement that encouraged women to wear big shoulder pads and big hair. “Narrow Hips + Big Hair + Big Shoulders = A Whole Lot of Woman” read the August 1987 headline. 
• In 1997, the Signal praised technological progress, remarking that it had let go three editors in lieu of Paperclip, the Microsoft Office tool that offered spelling and grammar assistance
• The 1992 editors of the Signal were impressed with H. Ross Perot’s selection of Admiral Stockdale as Vice Presidential candidate, saying that his “military skills, keen mind, and diplomatic acumen strengthens the Reform Party ticket.”
• Of the movie Glitter, The Signal’s film editor gushed, “A dazzling cinematic triumph -peerless even- perhaps with the exception of last year’s Gigli “
• In April of 1937, the Signal hailed the dawn of travelling by airship, remarking that the Hindenburg was the greatest achievement of mankind, hailing a day in which “a gentleman traveler could fetch a lady friend from across the country in comfort in as little as a fortnight”
• In 1998, the Signal published front-page instructions on how to dance the Macarena, saying “This universally-loved dance is the dance to know for the 21st century- and beyond.”
• A  May 1, 1980 Signal edition featured a full page ad from the Mount St. Helens Chamber of Commerce, advertising deep discounts for spring holidays in bucolic Washington State
• In an August 2001 editorial, the editors of the Signal advised the City of Santa Clarita and Edison to outsource electrical management to Enron, the high-flying & innovative Texas energy company

So while the Signal may not have supported the internment of Jews in Germany or trashed Martin Luther King, a perusal of its archives indicates it has certainly exhibited very unfortunate errors in judgment in its otherwise illustrious 90 year history.

Riding the bus from work to home in the afternoon is always a treat. I’m tired, have a lot on my mind, and so it’s great to not have to fight LA traffic on the way home. Instead, I can read, listen to music or a podcast, people watch, or, simply fall asleep.

Of these, I fall asleep most often. This is great because by the time I get home, I’ve had an afternoon nap and feel refreshed, ready for all the evening’s activities.

However sleeping on the bus carries its own special risk, namely the risk of sleep terror.

What is sleep terror? Well I’m glad you asked because I’ve become something of an expert on the subject.

Sleep terror is when you fall asleep on a bus that’s not equipped with seat belts. There you are, slumbering peacefully when, for whatever reason, the bus driver taps mildly/slams on the brakes. In an instant, your relaxed body motions forward and your brain -up until this time more preoccupied with fantastic dreams- signals to the rest of your body: “Holy sh*t!!! You’re free-falling! ALARM, ALARM, ALARM! WAKE UP IDIOT! DO SOMETHING!” and you wake up with a jolt of adrenaline amid an overwhelming sensation of terror.

This happens to me several times a week and sometimes two to three times per bus ride. Last night’s incident was the worst, however. Because as my brain was signaling my body that I was free-falling through space and death was imminent, I awoke with must have been a really loud and dramatic inhale such that I startled all the people around me who wisely don’t sleep on the bus. An instant later, a hand reached forward and patted me on the shoulder, and a guy behind me said, “You’re okay man, you’re ok.” Then he chuckled under his breath, the bastard.

Indeed I was ok, but it takes a good 30 seconds to calm down from these scares to resume sleep. Past sleep performance is no guarantor of future sleep performance however, so this terrifying ”OMG I’m falling to my death. Wake up! Oh. I’m on the bus. Go back to sleep” process happens again by the time we’ve reached the Newhall Pass.

So yeah, when people ask me about the benefits and drawbacks of using mass transit, I’ve got one new drawback to mention: sudden terror at 55 mph. But even with these sudden terrifying moments and the savagery of other SCV bus riders, it’s still better than driving.

Sorry the pause symbol is blocking his head; you’ll just have to take my word for it; Martin Sheen was at Vasquez Rocks telling Discovery channel watchers about how iron deposits were formed in Michigan’s upper peninsula billions of years ago.

Sheen joins William Shatner, John Goodman, the Power Rangers, and scores of other Hollywood notables who have used the distinctive rocks as a back drop.

Of course, no celebrity visit to Vasquez Rocks can top James T. Kirk’s fight with Gorn, the space lizard, in an episode of Star Trek back in the 60s: